(As the Rovers prepare for their titanic tussle with the mighty Gers, mystery surrounds the birth of a newborn to Big June McKelvie (now revealed as Chic Charnley after a semi successful sex change operation) whilst the characters no-one could give a feck about return to icy Scotland to general indifference. Where is alcoholic maestro Mickey Finn? What the feck am I rambling on about? Read on!) The players assembled in the tunnel as the insane noise of the crowd continued. It reached fever pitch as the two teams exchanged glances. "I’m a little tea pot short and stout" the fans screamed in unison as the two sides prepared to take the field. Hawkeye The Noo looked down the Rangers line up. His jaw dropped as he spotted a familiar face: "Heap shock traitorous bassa! Mickey Finn!!!" Finn stood, at the end of the line up, attempting to hide behind Rupert De Boer, clad in the light blue of the Mighty Gers. "O’im sorry lads", the dwarfish humunculous stuttered: "But the Gers offered me more than the likes of Brigadoon ever could. Plus I was very average for you lot but I had an unusual name". Hawkeye spat at his feet: "You will feel the cold vengeance of my forefathers. Just like Mo Johnstone". With that the proud Indian brave turned and marched out onto the pitch. A mighty chorus began: "There was a mouse. Where? There on the stair, Where on the stair? Right there. A little mouse with clogs on. Oh I declare. Going clip clippety clop on the stair". The mass hatred had begun.------------------------------------------------------ "Mr Murray?" Alex Docherty slowly approached the Ibrox supremo. The urbane major stakeholder turned suavely and said: "Yes Mr Docherty? I trust my orders to take me to Whitby by ship are within your capabilities?" He rasped, looking in vain for his reflection in the mirrored Ibrox ceilings. "I’m not sure Sir, I’ve never arranged such things". With that Docherty’s hand fell, cutting himself on the crystal edge of the boardroom table. Murray's eyes narrowed and he fell on the wound, sucking greedily. --------------------------------------------------------------------- The Rangers faithful belted out their party anthems: "We’ve got a handful of songs to sing you. New songs and blue songs and things to bring you. Happiness? No more no less". Alistair Alexander stirred in his commentary position high above the happy multitude: "...and a feckin ring on her finger?. I had my finger on her ring the first night by the way. And you join us at a packed Ibrox for today's visitors – Brigadoon Rovers -whose heavily hyped new mystery signing is expected to make his first start for the club. And the teams leave the tunnel. No obvious new faces in either line up, but wait… I can exclusively confirm that Mickey Finn, alcoholic, genie supported, dwarfish Irish winger, is playing for Rangers! And in an extraordinary twist, Pastor Jack Glass is lining up in the colours of Brigadoon Rovers. Amazing scenes at Ibrox!" ------------------------------------ At trackside, the teams were ready for battle. "Pastor Jack Glass," said no-nonsense gaffer Alex Docherty: "I want you to play as a midfield general, setting up attacks and keeping the Rangers midfield on their toes". The religious loony bristled and clutching his bible to his chest replied: "Get thee behind me Satan. My Lord will lead me to the position on the park required by all decent Protestant Rate Payers". With that his eyes clouded and he began speaking in tongues. ------------------- Alex Docherty glanced out of the window of the Executive Suite only to be met by the sight of David Murray scuttling down the side of the Copeland Road Stand, bat like wings flapping in the biting Govan wind. Docherty opened the window and shouted: "Mr Murray, can you not come in? Someone will see you. This is Govan. Someone will think yer a pigeon. Have ye never heard of Kinning Park Pheasant?" A weird blue mist began to seep into the room. It started to form a shape and when Docherty turned he found Murray standing beside him. "Alex Docherty", began the vampirical figure: "You have been most kind in your efforts. Without you I would have failed in my attempts at reaching "The Next Level". Particuarly in Europe. Now is the time to show me your true loyalty. You will carry out the final part of my plan" Docherty shrank back before the the obscene figure before him: "But Mr Murray, you can’t mean…." "Oh but yes", replied Murray: "You must kill and devour Martin O’Neil. Ideally in a weird pact like that German guy" ------------------------------------------------------ Pastor Jack Glass was frothing and foaming at the mouth as the teams began their warm up. "Me hope Big June OK", said Hawkeye the Noo: "Training ground heap covered in placenta and flaps" He turned to glance at the twitching figure of the Pastor who was still punching a bible and said to no one in particular: "This heap bad signing by biggum boss" Just then the religious madman sprayed the technical area with green bile. --------------------------------------------------------- Docherty entered the executive box and scanned the room. He immediately spotted the tiny Celtic supreme who was reading a large legal tome between phone calls to numerous agents desperately seeking a replacement for Henrick Larsson. As he watched Docherty overheard the Celtic boss saying: "Look, Oi’ve told you a thousand toimes. Craig Brewster is just too old, Danny Invincible isn’t and this guy called Total Sh1te isn’t fooling anyone. Except John Barnes". ---------------------------------------------------------- "And the whistle sounds here at Ibrox as Rangers Versus Brigadoon Rovers gets under way", commentator Alistair Alexander intoned: "Ball played straight to Capucho. And out of play. Capucho wanders off filing his nails. Thrown back in by McLaren. Forward by Partington Smythe. To Hawkeye the Noo. Challenged by Burke. The redskin nutmegs the tiny ned. Crosses for Orange. GOOOOOALLLLLL!!!!!!" William Orange began punching himself repeatedly in the face as the game resumed at a furious pace. Alexander took up the mike again: "To De Boer. To De Boer. Back to De Boer. Back to De Boer again who returns it yet again to De.Boer. Tries a shot from range! A GOOOALLLLL!!! Glorious goal from De Boer!" -------------------------------------------------------------------- Well? After this bloodbath what can possibly happen? Is Docherty guilty? Is O’Neil gone forever? Will I come back to Adidas and Finegan Swake? |
Editorial Team Ger Harley (ger@scottishfitba.net) |