(Previously on Brigadoon Rovers…. Stunted Irish wing wizard Mickey Finn has began regular services to various lumpen prole cattle markets in his strangely acquired aeroplane. Meanwhile The Rovers have drawn The Mighty Rangers in the 5th round of the CIS Cup and Big June McKelvie, recently unmasked as a transsexual Chic "Chico" Charnley, has gone into a particularly horrifying labour. Now read on…….)
"Push, - That’s it! I can see the head!", cried Andy McLaren in delight as Big June lay before him, legs akimbo, grunting and sweating. "That’s no the baby. Ah’m havin a shite," Replied Big June, his/her face puce with effort. "Vait a minute", said Veteran Nazi accuser Simon Weisanthal: "We need a woman here to help" Looking up, he spotted a towering, mannish figure at the far touchline. "You madam!" He cried: "Can you help us? Our friend is giving birth". The hulking female walked towards the players. "Whoot con eh day?" She said, her deep voice rumbling: "Ooove gat tow gat tow Thee Taaalll Shop thi noo". Wullie McScum gasped: "You’re that Rosheen aff River City urent ye. Ah think you’re pure magic. Whit's it like being Swedish?" He asked. "Whoot dah yah min?" Replied the oddly spoken behemoth: "Oo um a pyower Weegie so am ur"
An agonized grunt from Big June brought her to their attention. Big June said through gritted teeth: "Fur fecks sake! There's only room for one transsexual in this story! Get that weird talking fecker ootae ma face". "Weeeelll", Huffed the raven haired horror: "Oo ken whan om nae waantit". With that she turned on her vast heel and flounced off. Tough talking boss Alex Docherty stalked over and said gruffly: "Whit's the score here? We’ve got an oddly contrived game against Rangers tomorrow and you lot are feckin about like a bunch of midwives". "But Boss", said Andy McLaren: "We cannae train till Big Junes given birth. And it looks like being a difficult labour". A strange glint came into Docherty’s eyes. He turned to his softly spoken assistant Sanny McTumper: "Right Sanny, bring me two crocodile clips, a length of rope and rev up the engine on the 4X4 - I’m going in". ---------------------------------------------------- Mickey Finn was sweating hard as he pulled the meal trolley down the aisle of FinnAir flight 203. "Ahm getting feckin sick o dis", he muttered to himself: "To think I could be playing in the local Derby match between Real Sociopath and Real Pish. Or even playing against Rangers for Brigadoon against the Rangers". Sudden inspiration hit him. He grabbed the tannoy: "Dis is yer Captain speaking. Oim afraid there has been a sloight change in our itinery. We’re going back to Scotland so feck de lot of yese".
In the third row, hidden by their ingenious disguises, Adidas and Finegan Swake looked at each other in horror. --------------------------------------------------- The Brigadoon team coach pulled up outside the bastion of fairplay and decency known throughout the land as Ibrox. A pathetic figure stood by the side of the road dressed in tattered rags, directing traffic into the car park. "Feck sake. Would you look at that", said Wullie McScum, peering through the grimy window: "How could they let John Greig get into that state?" The bus came to a halt beneath a massive mural of Paul Gascoigne offering a cheery flute playing salute to The Queen. "Right lads", said unapologetic gaffer Alex Docherty: "Straight into the dressing room. I’ve got a wee surprise for ye’se". He marched up to the huge oak doors and pulled the bell. There was an ominous silence as slow steady footsteps were heard behind the door. It slowly creaked open. "We paid the gas bill last week. Y'er no getting in", A voice said. "There must be some mistake. We’re today;s opposition", Said Docherty. "Ah yes", an oddly bewhiskered figure moved into view from behind the doors: "We have been expecting you. Come". A sign above the door read "Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter".
The team went silent as the stadium doors slammed behind them. Thunder rumbled distantly as the skies darkened and a lone wolf howled. "Awright Donald?" said Gers worshipping Wullie Orange: "Dae ye not remember me? I was the one wae the Karaoke machine". The Victorian mutton chopped whiskered figure stopped in his tracks. "I have no idea what you mean, Sir. Wait here. The master will see you shortly". He picked up a phone: "Master. The victims, I mean the opposition have arrived", He intoned into the receiver. "C’mon Donald. Ye must remember", Insisted Orange: "When I was up on that gun running charge you were my advocate"
A huge roar of fury came from the top of the marble staircase. "Advocaat!!!! Advocaat!!!!", the voice screamed: "Never, and I mean never, mention that name again!" Donald Finlay bowled low: "Mr Murray These are Brigadoon Rovers. Will I be needed further Sir? Only it’s my afternoon off".
"Run along Findlay. I’m sure I can manage", Replied David Murray, coldly surveying the Brigadoon squad. The distant sound of singing was heard from the packed ground. Murray stopped and cupped his ear. "Ah - the creatures of the night. What sweet music they make", He sighed wistfully. "Mr Murray, sir"," Docherty approached the pseudo Chairman: "If you don’t mind we’d like to get to the dressing room and prepare for the game". Murray wheeled round suddenly, fixing Docherty with a look of cold menace. "But of course" He replied: "Walk this way", he then turned and said: " - and think of something better than the usual comment". The Brigadoon squad were struck dumb and followed Murray down the marble corridor in silence.
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In a packed Ibrox the crowd were preparing for the big match, the atmosphere coming to boiling point. Song after song roared down from the stands. "Today's the day the teddy bears have their picnic", was followed by "How much is that Doggy in the window" and a spine tingling mass chanting of "The Hokey Cokey".
The home dressing room was a hive of activity as Alex McLeish began his team talk. "Right lads", the gingery general began: "We’re fecked in every competition bar this and the other diddy cup so we need to win. I’m going with experience today so that means all of the De Boer brothers", He nodded at each in turn. "Frank", The new signing unflinchingly met his gaze. "Ronald", the steadfast Dutchman nodded. "And Rupert". The small bear fiddled with his yellow checked scarf feeling out of place. ----------------------------------------------------------------- The away dressing room was tense as Alex Docherty entered the room. He cleared his thoat and said: "Okay boys. I think I’ve made a signing which just might give us an advantage in this game."
"Heap Magic Boss", Replied half Scots/Native American Hawkeye The Noo: "Is it um heap famous ex-Dundee player heap foolish Marr Brothers couldnae pay for?" Docherty smiled: "Better than that". It’s someone whose intimate knowledge of the opposition will give us the upper hand. Lads - meet Pastor Jack Glass" ------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, how will Brigadoon fare against the Mighty Glasgow Rangers? What weird spell has reduced the famous fans to singing nursery rhymes? Will Mickey Finn return to play against his hated foes? Will Adidas and Finegan Swake return to face the music?
All this will be answered in …. Brigadoon Rovers Episode 22.
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