Call For Uri

Personally, I think Scotland are now a confident enough unit, under Walter Smith, to get six points from our final two matches against Belarus and Slovenia in World Cup qualifying group 5. However, we need a little help from our friends if we hope to make the play-offs and if one of those friends happens to be a good mate of Michael Jackson and drives around in a car covered in bent knives, forks and spoons then so be it!

I've watched the video back a dozen times and the ball does move, honestly! I am talking about Gary McAllister's ill-fated penalty in the Euro '96 game against England. If that had gone in we would have surely went on to win the match and qualify for the second stage of a major tournament for the first time.

On that day of infamy for Scottish football, former male model and Israeli soldier Uri Geller was hovering above Wembley in a helicopter hired by The Sun. They were backing the spoon-bender and self-proclaimed psychic to use "his powers" to bring victory to El Tel and his white- shirted crusaders.

Uri has often claimed he concentrated "all of his mind" on putting Gary McAllister off when Gordon Durie won a spot kick for us at 1-0 to England. Now, I'm not going to say I'm a believer or a non-believer in this kind of hocus pocus, but the ball did roll off the spot as the Scotland captain went to hit it. As you all know, his scuffed shot went high hitting David Seaman on the shoulder before dropping over the bar. Cue Gazza immediately going up the other end and making it 2-0. Game over.

Uri was deluged with hate mail from the Tartan Army after the game and for a couple of months the former Reading fan and Exeter City benefactor took the heat off Jimmy Hill as the man who would be the most hated inside Hampden. Uri later revealed "I should not have done that against Scotland" and such were his feelings of remorse he reversed his polarity next time we played at Wembley in the Euro 2000 play-off in 1999. We went into the second leg of that tie 2-0 down from the first encounter in Glasgow. Uri was again above the twin towers in a helicopter but this time he wore a Scotland shirt. We won 1-0 and if Dailly's last minute header had just been a couple of inches higher............... Draw your own conclusions.

We need Uri in Norway on Saturday to act as Moldova's 12th man. If that seems too far-fetched, we at least need a Scottish tabloid to offer the man who scores the winning goal against the Norwegians a month's holiday in Scotland. He will be treated as a God and have his portrait installed in the Hampden football museum if we keep our side of the bargain and see off Slovenia and Belarus.

Maybe we could just make it known the Tartan Army are taking a collection at Hampden on Saturday and will be sending the proceeds to the Moldovan who can do us a favour. How about doing it in association with Anne Summers who can send a year's supply of thongs to Paul Hartley? If he ends up doing a Kenny Miller, a wee incentive won't go amiss.

Finally, the Beeb up here need to reschedule a couple of programmes this week so we can see Scotland's 50 greatest goals to put us all in the mood for victory in our final two World Cup qualifiers.

Sky weren't shy of doing the England version at the weekend there ahead of Sven's crunch games against Austria and Poland. We need slightly more to hype our games up than Jim Spence asking journo Darryl Broadfoot and ex-Celt Derek Whyte "can we do it?" on Sportscene Results last Saturday with Derek countering Darryl's enthusiasm with the classic "same old Scotland, glorious failure."

The Tartan Army will play their part on Saturday so James Traynor moaning about Flower of Scotland and the "Scottish cringe" are banned, positivity from all in the media please to match the undying loyalty of the fans and Uri in a copter above Oslo putting a hex on John Carew.

You know it makes sense, at least in the crazy world that is the Scottish international football team.